So I did weigh in over the weekend.........

I just didn't post it and now that it is only two days to the next weigh in, so I don't think I will.

I must admit. I have not been doing so well lately.

LOTS of stress eating (But, really, WHAT DO I HAVE TO BE STRESSED ABOUT?).

I had a bit of a reality check this last weekend as well.

We went to the Hymas's (most of you know them) this Sunday. The first thing Joanie said to me was, "Have you lost more weight?"......and later in the kitchen, "Melanie, I think you should put back on a few pounds.......you looked a lot better about 5 lbs ago."

I was speechless.....which is pretty hard. First.....I was a bit offended. Then, a little repentant. How could she even tell how skinny I've gotten? I was wearing a baggy sweatshirt.

Anyway, leave it to Joanie to stick it to me........the truth, that is.

I probably could stand to put on a few extra pounds.

It scares me though. I'm not sure I could handle it.

I really believe I am battling with some kind of demon. I certainly don't starve myself and I would NEVER intentionally make myself throw up (except about a month ago but I was REALLY sick....to the point of death).

I don't know what "it" is but........"it's" something.

I blame it on the STRESS!

This last 1-1/2 has been so stressful, out of control if you will, and I think this factor may be at the root of the problem. I have been trying to battle "it" on my own for a long time and so far I'm loosing.

I need help. I know I do.......it's just really hard to let go and trust someone else with your innermost thoughts and feelings. I know.......I have done it before. It's always hard to take that first step.

Besides, I am scared. I worry that if I come to terms with reality and am "healed" I will become so comfortable with myself that I will allow myself to get fat. Sometimes I would rather be "sick and skinny" than to think about being "well and fat." The rational side of me can hear how sick that is........but it's not the rational side I am fighting with.

Well.....now that I have shared some of my inner most thoughts with you guys.....I guess it couldn't be too hard to tell someone I don't even know, right?

Pray that I can find the courage.

Maybe I should just get pregnant. That always gets rid of the dreaded "weight maintenance monster." I actually enjoy having a good excuse to gain weight and I LOVE loosing it after wards. It's just all the "weight maintenance" that gets to me.

Weigh In

I took a chance this morning and got on the scale. It was scary since I haven't weighed myself in a couple of weeks, and the last time it did, it was trying to creep up.

Anyway, 179 lbs. That's down 1 lb from the last time I weighed in, but more importantly, I BROKE THE STINKIN' 180 BARRIER!!!!

Our New Toy

After too many single-digit-temperature-early-morning-runs I finally have another option! We used a chunk of our tax return and bought a treadmill. We got it at Sears and (of course) got a killer deal on it! Here it is...

I have never been a huge treadmill fan. In good weather, I would always choose to run outside, but we're a ways from "good weather" and I'm sick of the cold! Also, this way when Joe is out of town (which will be A LOT over the next few months) I'll be able to still do my morning runs. I'm vowing to not be one of those people who buys excercise equipment, uses it for a few weeks and then is selling in on craigslist as "barely used". So here goes!

Oh, and I did weigh myself the last 2 saturdays. I was a 162 both times. That's better than the few weeks before that, but still up a few pounds from pre-Christmas. My goal for this saturday is 160. We'll see how that goes!

Aaack!

I was talking to my SIL the other day and she mentioned that since Ryan's grandma turns 90 this year they wanted to get as many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren together as possible, right around the end of March. So after almost 2 months of maintaining I am back to double workouts to try and lose as much as I can before we go back over there.

The last time Ryan's family saw me I was at my fattest, around 200-205 lbs. I'm now down to 180 lbs but I could be down more than that if I had been working harder through the holidays, and um, January.

I'm doing 70 minutes of cardio M-Th (35 running, 35 eliptical) and weights, and Cherie's class on Friday - which was always the hardest part of my week. I'm still working on controlling food vs. food controlling me, but for the time being I think I may have junked myself out. Youknowwhatimean? I'm sick of crap am and craving salad, etc. Weird.

Sheena, give us a baby update....how far along are you, do you know what you're having, how you're feeling, etc. Thanks!

Vegan Adventure Blog

I'm keeping something of a log of our Vegan adventure, including recipes, for anyone interested:

http://sowhatcanyoueat.blogspot.com/

Weekend Update

So after all the puke, and various other bodily function problems, and laziness of last week I got back into the swing of things this morning. My partner didn't come with me so I spent a little extra time at the gym this morning. I did all my regular workout (eliptical program and weights), and just for fun I spent a little time running on the treadmill. I only ran a mile and walked another half-mile to cool down, but it didn't hurt my knees and since I did it after the eliptical I actually felt myself getting a second wind, and was able to kick the treadmill up to 5 mph (stop laughing) for the entire mile instead of running at 4.5 mph which is what I usually (never) do when I run (never, ever, ever).

Plus, because I get seasonal depression in the winter with the lack of sunlight, and since it's been nonstop fog for the last three weeks I'm back on my happy pills. Hopefully they'll keep me getting out of bed and going to the gym instead of feeling like it's all useless anyway.

And on the pop challenge....I know it's my challenge but I am stinking up the place with my lack of compliance. Actually, I'm stepping down slowly; one Coke yesterday instead of two, 1/2 coke this morning and I dumped the rest. I don't need a caffeine withdrawal headache. But, I'm planning on being Coke free by tomorrow. Wednesday at the latest. ;)

Weekend Weigh in-----take two and a glimpse into my inner thoughts.

I weighed in again today.........143. I'm still hanging out down here waiting for the gain. It has really been 10+ years since I have weighted this low but I don't anticipate being here for very long.

(Boo.....we hate her.....she sucks. You think I can't hear it, well I can)

Now, before you get your panties (or G's) in a twist thinking I am all bragging and stuff, just know that I am not..........let me explain.

As I have said before.......I am learning more and more that the weight loss/maintenance/gain journey is not about actually loosing/maintaining/gaining weight. It is about accepting who we are and being happy with ourselves.....no matter what we look like, how much we weigh or how we think others might perceive us.

So....having said that, I can now say that this is something I struggle with.....BIG TIME.

Sure... I eat mostly good foods, try not to over eat, and drink plenty of water. Sure... I can get up exercise six days a week without giving it a second thought (most of the time). Sure... I weigh 7 lbs under my goal weight.

But for some reason it doesn't matter. No matter how much weight I loose or how baggy my clothes get........It just never seems to be enough. I struggle to be happy with what I have and who I am. "It could always be better.....You could tighten that up a bit......Maybe just a few more pounds would fix all my problems and make me happy." That's what I to myself when I look in the mirror. Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah. You know what! .........It wont make me happy. Nothing is going to make me happy.....not now.......not until I can fix things in my head. (Valerie knows how mixed up I am right now.....we have had a few conversations about it lately.....I thought she might deck me once. :) Just kidding.)

So........that I am working on.

This is what I have come up with so far:

We all need to have a better perspective as we take this journey to our personal (weight loss) goals. Our bodies were given to us by our Heavenly Father. He wants us to take care of them and nourish them. He doesn't want us to starve ourselves and work out 3 hours a day.......and on the other extreme......He doesn't want us to gorge ourselves and sit on the couch either. And He certainly doesn't want us to get down on ourselves and dwell on our failures when we "fall of the wagon" or "overindulge." Moderation in all things. That's the key.

Remember it's Satan who wants us to be so unsatisfied with ourselves that we loose control one way or another. He tells us that in order to be worth anything we must weigh ___ lbs or wear a size ___. But.....he's a liar and we all know it. He just wants us to be as miserable as he is.

So........It's my quest (and one of my new years resolutions) to become HEALTHY! I've got a good start on the body side of things (minus the large Oreo shake I barely "shared" with Rob last night) but it's HEALTH and PEACE of MIND I am really looking for.

I'll keep you updated on my progress and insights.....if you have any of your own, please share.

We are all Daughters of Our Heavenly Father who loves us...............

Weekend Weigh-in

So What Can You Eat?

I've been getting this question a lot lately. Telling people about our diet change has spurred a lot of funny looks, and a lot of "Good Luck" and "You're Crazy" comments, but mostly the question of "So what can you eat?"

Our goal this trimester was to be vegan (not for political reasons, mind you - we've gotten that comment, too) and it hasn't been too bad. I have a freezer full of meat that I can't use, but I feel pretty good. We have also been (mostly) gluten free because my son has to be, and we've set aside Friday afternoon as the only day we eat any sugar, and not much even then. Reading over that, I guess I would ask the same question: What can you eat? Salad. :)

It has only been a week, and I had a few easily-modifiable vegetarian recipes, so we haven't had to be too adventurous yet. Actually, I have a friend who is doing this as well, but she's been at it for almost a month now. She's keeping a blog of the meals (and recipes) she eats, so I'm kind of going to let her do the grunt work for me and use the stuff from her blog that sounds good. I'll keep you posted.

Is that a Challenge? Why, yes it is

I know this girl who comes from a family of larger people. And most of them in the last few years have lost their excess weight. One of the ways they've done it is to have friendly competitions with each other. For instance they'll see how long they can go without eating any sugar (sugar substitutes are okay). Or, working out 6 days a week for a given month.

So, I thought it might be fun to incorporate this in to the blog. And since I'm the one throwing it out there I'm going to start with one that is a problem for me, although I know it's not a problem for some of you, maybe most of you, in which case it will be easy for you to compete.

Here's my challenge: Stop drinking pop. FOREVER. See, told you it wouldn't be a problem for you. If you're in say so in the comments.

Oh, and feel free to throw your own challenges out there too!