I just didn't post it and now that it is only two days to the next weigh in, so I don't think I will.
I must admit. I have not been doing so well lately.
LOTS of stress eating (But, really, WHAT DO I HAVE TO BE STRESSED ABOUT?).
I had a bit of a reality check this last weekend as well.
We went to the Hymas's (most of you know them) this Sunday. The first thing Joanie said to me was, "Have you lost more weight?"......and later in the kitchen, "Melanie, I think you should put back on a few pounds.......you looked a lot better about 5 lbs ago."
I was speechless.....which is pretty hard. First.....I was a bit offended. Then, a little repentant. How could she even tell how skinny I've gotten? I was wearing a baggy sweatshirt.
Anyway, leave it to Joanie to stick it to me........the truth, that is.
I probably could stand to put on a few extra pounds.
It scares me though. I'm not sure I could handle it.
I really believe I am battling with some kind of demon. I certainly don't starve myself and I would NEVER intentionally make myself throw up (except about a month ago but I was REALLY sick....to the point of death).
I don't know what "it" is but........"it's" something.
I blame it on the STRESS!
This last 1-1/2 has been so stressful, out of control if you will, and I think this factor may be at the root of the problem. I have been trying to battle "it" on my own for a long time and so far I'm loosing.
I need help. I know I do.......it's just really hard to let go and trust someone else with your innermost thoughts and feelings. I know.......I have done it before. It's always hard to take that first step.
Besides, I am scared. I worry that if I come to terms with reality and am "healed" I will become so comfortable with myself that I will allow myself to get fat. Sometimes I would rather be "sick and skinny" than to think about being "well and fat." The rational side of me can hear how sick that is........but it's not the rational side I am fighting with.
Well.....now that I have shared some of my inner most thoughts with you guys.....I guess it couldn't be too hard to tell someone I don't even know, right?
Pray that I can find the courage.
Maybe I should just get pregnant. That always gets rid of the dreaded "weight maintenance monster." I actually enjoy having a good excuse to gain weight and I LOVE loosing it after wards. It's just all the "weight maintenance" that gets to me.
1.29.2009
So I did weigh in over the weekend.........
Posted by Melanie at 9:29 AM
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3 comments:
Mel, you can totally find the courage to talk to whoever it is you need. And the people who get paid to offer advice, sometimes they say the most insightful things and help the most. I love you no matter what.
I have been gone but still here for a long time, I know. That is because I packed on some "it's not summer and I'm back in school and then it was Christmas" weight. Awesome.
But I, being on the other extreme end of this, totally understand the want to be sick and thin rather than not sick and fat. That being said, if you can know that you need help, just get some.
I know it's not as easy as that, but it should be. If you've been through it before, and it was successful, trust it will be again and just go.
No one is saying you have to go twice, just start.
Mel,
For some reason our society thinks it is wrong to seek professional help for genuine problems. It is not a sign of weakness but of humility and wisdom. For yourself and your family it could be the best thing. Your children will pick up on your health habits and views, whether good or bad, and then continue them on in their own lives. I have experienced that myself and watched others do it. One other thought is Hypnotherapy. I've known several who have used it and been successful. It is simply a method of rewiring your brain and its attitudes about food and health.
I love you tons
Stacy
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